Being responsible

Responsible : - adjective

having a capacity for moral decisions and therefore
accountable; capable of rational thought or action

This is one of my strongest and most persistent strength I have. And I only realize it yesterday, when Matt, San and I were chatting over lunch: -

Matt: "Janice, I think you're really suited to be a
teacher man."

San: "Why?"

Matt: "She's so responsible, she wouldn't let a student
rot to die one lor."

San: "Mmm. Ya, but I think you're too responsible
lah."

That's right. I'm just too responsible that it got the better of me. I care too much for things around me that I often get myself into trouble. Nobody has ever forced nor pushed me to do something, but I always feel obliged to fulfill my duties nevertheless.

Yes, I do complain about it all the time and I always end up swallowing everything like a bitter pill. I have never tried or should I say, dared, to take the first step out of this state I put myself in. Like what San once told me, "Nobody can take advantage of you unless you a l l o w them to."

And I think I did.

I let irresponsible people get away and keep quiet. I let free-riders scott free while I slog my nights away doing a one-man-show. I allow seniority to overtake principles, and find myself struggling to find a good reason to justify their partial actions. I worry too much for people who know how to take care of themselves, that I make extra trips and end up to find myself wasting time. I care too much about my pets that I find myself overexhausted trying to rush and manage too many things at a time. I worry for undone work that others have deliberately left it hanging, and spent extra hours to cover their share. I worry that addiction will bring them into back to the sorry state where they got out of, but their resentment and ignorance just hurts me much more.

So much I care for but nothing much could be helped or changed. Be it my friends, my family, my groupmates, my work, etc, I just feel a strong sense of liability towards them.

Am I putting too much pressure on myself? Or am I forced into dead-end? I just wished I could free myself from these self-imposed burdens in order to move to greater heights, with no worries, no pain, no suffocation.